God, the Mighty Comforter

Haven't felt this surge of anger for a long time.

Feels like all that pent up frustration over the past few months is exploding out all at once, hurting innocent people, even the closest ones to me. There really is a need for me to keep my emotions in check. Always letting such things ride over me, and then feeling all miserable about it. Really, what's the point?

All that controversy in my life. The arrows being shot from various directions. Just need some cooling off time, I guess. Taking that step back and looking at the big picture, before deciding what my next step should be.

Feels like I'm fighting a war.

It's tiring, really. If only things could be as simple as I wanted it to be. But well, draw strength from God, the great comforter, the mighty fortress, the rock of strength, the pillar of hope. Waiting for His direction for me, patiently.

Picking myself up from each fall, growing from each failure, watching how God is using His hand to lead me in His way. When I think about Christ, all that I'm going through just doesn't seem to amount to anything. The great suffering He was put through, how can anyone fathom that?

And so, I'll take that small step back, and wait for His guide. In Him, I find that comfort and peace for a rash and irrational soul like mine.

"Ye shall find rest for your souls"

Macro.

Exams are over :)

Met up with Elijah today for dinner. To my expectations, he brought a godly life lesson to me. He always does. Every conversation, every meet-up, there's always something I can take away from it. Little wonder he's a good friend :)

Sometimes we need to take the macro perspective on things. To step back and look at the big picture, withdrawing ourselves from each situation for that moment, and just taking the bird's eye-view on the things in our lives. From there, we make our own judgment.

But everything is possible with God. At times we might be so tempted, thinking something is really good, or that something is really meant for us, but is that truly God's will, or is it our human will? Do we want to learn things the hard way, or are we willing to let go and take things the easier way out?

Let go.

Two simple words, yet takes so much self-determination and will to execute.

A truly amazing, godly friend. Someone I'm so thankful for, for his placement in my life. Always a timely reminder, always a good comforter, a good advisor. A good role model himself. Seeing how he fought through all that discrimination, how he changed over time, it really warms my heart and further enhances on my belief in the intrinsic human nature to change.

Thank you, friend, my "punching bag". Sorry for exploding at you last night (although you'll never see this). You're awesome (just like how you always say you are haha).

Well...

It's been awhile.

I wouldn't say that things have been going smoothly as planned, but it hasn't hit rock-bottom yet. Well, those in Christ are always filled with hope, aren't they? Because our Lord brings us hope. Hope, that can only be found in Him.

Pretty terrorized by the thought of beginning a new school life again. Been stuck in the same school for the past 6 years, I wonder if I'll really be able to adapt to the new environment of the university life, without being influenced by the things of the world. In the world, but not of the world. Yet I'm still quite excited at what's about to come.

5 months of my holidays have been spent working in Jaya, a shipbuilding company, and in it have I left my mark, and where I've experienced trauma. It was an interesting experience there though. I've never met so many interesting people in one place before. Every work day is different, yet every work day was dreaded. But thank God for what I've learnt in there, and for the time when I was able to share about Him with the people around me. Thank Him, for protecting me and watching over me even in such a treacherous place. He truly is a great God, a great Friend and Father.

While working under Taha for SPLAT!, I've really learnt a fair bit, while at the same time noticed all my flaws and weaknesses. I admit that at times, I've felt discouraged and disheartened, even felt like giving up at one point of time. I had questioned myself if this was what I really wanted, if I knew for sure what my focus was on. Yet in SPLAT!, I've picked up so much. Things that I would never  have known about the society, about people. Even so, the road ahead seems threatening.


Valentia, thank you so much for standing by me all this time, for giving me all that encouragement and strength as my bestest girl friend and a sisterly figure. I would have been so lost without you helping me along. I hope you stay strong too, and do superbly well in school. I'm sorry I haven't been much of a help, and I promise to do better! Be strong! :)


Because God sent His Son. 
His blood, shed for me, 
cleansed me clean, 
that now I stand before, 
white, as snow.

A's are finally over :D

I'm going to have a new beginning! New specs, up-coming new hairstyle, new me!

Recently had a meal with a close buddy at some place that I can't recognise. Oh the food was good, but I really don't recognise the place at all. I was just sitting in the car and staring into blank space.

Today! Yay for meeting up with (long-time-no-see) VALLY! I believe we have so much more catching up to do. Nothing beats meeting up face to face and talking about all the things in the world. Sunday's going to be fantastic with the craziest bunch of buddies! Missed them all so much. I wonder how each and every one of them has changed from when I last met them.

December is going to be such an exciting month with driving lessons, prom, YF Camp and Christmas!! Planning YF Camp was really quite an experience. Working with the other committee members was pretty interesting with all the different working styles. Really hope that YF Camp would provide the campers a good time for spiritual refreshment as they are drawn closer to God in that 5-days, especially with the concurrent anticipation, preparation and celebration of Christmas. It's my prayer, that God watches over each and every camper that He would work greatly in our hearts.

Sunday's coming, concrete work for Little Boss has to be done hurriedly! (:

Let's reach out to the others now (:

In that distant fog.

Dear best friend,

These past few months without a listening ear, without someone to share my joy with, it's certainly been much quieter, much lonelier. So many things happened recently. Despite efforts to put this friendship at the back of my head, you're still the first person I'd want to share stuff with. Yet, I know you're not approachable now, and I'm but an irritant to you.

I'm sorry for the trouble caused to you, for the annoyance I've brought to you. If only you didn't bring back that smile, I'd have been able to cope better.

I really miss you, buddy.

See that scar right across her heart? Oh wait, you can't see it; it's buried.

Fatigue.

How?

For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake
-Philippians 1:29

Just getting more and more disheartened each day. So what if I can complete all my tutorials, attend all the lectures, copy all the necessary notes? I just, flop like nothing during the exams. I have no idea why, and no, I don't feel a tinge of panic in the examination hall. I just, blank out. Nothing comes to my mind when I read the questions, no light bulb suddenly lighting up by the side of my head, nothing, zilch.

Believing in God really isn't so simple in this cold, hard, temptation-filled world. As I study to gain top results (or rather, acceptable results), the stress piles higher and higher. I turn to God for strength. I turn to Him for guidance. In this dog-eat-dog world, if you're not up there, you're cast way down. The hard fact of the world. I feel really really tired. Conking out almost anywhere, as long as I'm seated (except in school), a blank mind the moment I step out of school, a sigh of relief when I finally get to go to bed, a heavy head the next morning, and painful, tired shoulders. But I know what I'm going through is really nothing compared to my Saviour. One who really carried all the shame, humiliation, criticism, hatred, and ultimately, SIN, upon his mighty and pure shoulders. Survive, I must. Survive, I will.

Actually I really do feel so immensely pressured by the competition around me. I see everyone else doing so well, or at least, improving. But me? I just dropped further and further. What am I doing?

Be strong, be strong,
Be strong in the Lord
And be of good courage
for He is your guide.

Oh Lord, my Father, I really need You.

Just because the eyes you see now are sparkling like nothing could be wrong and she has the biggest smile ever, doesn’t mean a few minutes earlier those eyes were filled with sadness and tears. And that amazing beautiful smile you see now didn’t exist. She has so much pain and hurt in her life.. you just don’t see it, because she doesn’t want to hurt the people around her

It does not matter what you have in your life. It matters WHO.
Without God, I am but nothing. I'd just be a sinner who isn't saved. A sinner who doesn't know the wondrous grace of our mighty God. Without God, I wouldn't be able to do the things I did. Only with His strength are we able to prosper in every thing that we do. Do you have God in your life?

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What an exciting night.

First Keith called (yes, amazing! I know! Like, finally after don't-know-how-many-months), then 3 mins later, Xiaotian called, and about 10 mins later, Kennard called. Dear brothers/mummy, I do miss hanging out with you all with the rest of the gang! Soon k, celebrate all the birthdays at one shot :D

Finally understand Chem Equilibria and Ionic Equlibrium. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the wisdom and for guiding me through all along. Without Your grace and guidance, I wouldn't be able to come this far. He has indeed been blessing me a lot, and for giving me so many chances again and again. God is great, isn't He?

Slept over at Zhi Xin's house on Saturday night. Thank God for bringing us back to her house safely, though it was really early in the morning (like, 3.30am or something). I really thank God for bringing us together, that we are able to support each other spiritually as sisters-in-Christ and constantly help one another through any problems, as well as sharing all our joy and laughter together (:

Even though there were things that made my blood boil, made me cry or just made me plain unhappy, through prayer, I found comfort, joy and release in God. "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23,24. God knows me better than anyone else. He knows what I'd say before I say it, He knows what I'll be in the future, He even knows how many strands of hair I have on my head. As such, I am able to come before Him, laying down every thing at His feet, and just find joy and peace in Him through Christ Jesus. God is indeed amazing.

From today on, I'm going to devote myself to studying. I guess God's call for me now is just to do my best with my studies so that I may glorify His precious name.

Felt really disheartened today by a number of things, and was on the verge of tears when I remembered God. I prayed silently in my heart, I prayed for Him to help me, I prayed for strength, and He gave them to me. He didn't stop there. He encouraged me through the book I was reading.

"You cannot be alive very long without being wounded. The sun rises, the stars follow their courses, the waves roll in crashing against the rocks, and we are wounded. Broken hearts cannot long be avoided in this beautiful yet dangerous world we live in. This is not Eden. Not even close. We are not living in the world our souls were made for. Something's rotten in the state of Denmark and in our own backyards as we journey through the unknown terrain of the moments and months that make up our lives.
Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear, you will find pain. And most people are in more pain than even they realize. Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either. Because we are the ones loved by the God, the King of kings, Jesus himself, who came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free,... (pg 64-65)
...Christ asks our permission to come in and heal, but he is kind, and the door is shut from the inside, and healing never comes against our will. In order to experience his healing, we must also give him permission to come in to the places we have so long shut to anyone. Will you let me heal you? He knocks through our loneliness. He knocks through our sorrows. He knocks through events that feel too close to what happened to us when we were young - a betrayal, a rejection, a word spoken, a relationship lost. He knocks through many things, waiting for us to give him permission to enter in. (pg 100)"
-Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge

No matter what we go through, God will always be there for us. We just have to invite Him into our hearts and not shut Him out. Consecrate ourselves to Him, speak to God, cry out to Him, and He will come and ease your pain and heal your wounds. I felt really comforted by this today, alongside the comfort and encouragement of many brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you, for being there for me! And ultimately, thank You, Lord, for never leaving nor forsaking me, but for loving me and upholding me despite my sins. Amen.

Blessed birthday (:

Goodbye, best friend.

I think it's time to say goodbye to you, for good.
I'll miss you.

Reflections on a clearer water.

Stumbled upon Zhi Xin's blog just before typing this out, and thought, 'yeah maybe I should do a little more reflection on Bible Conference'.

Bus 3 (with the happy smiley face that makes it recognisable), with Zhi Xin ♥, Aaron Chai, Allister, Aaron Chia, Timothy Loh and Timothy Foong, AND the Make a Timothy Today (MTT) people. Bus rides were enjoyable, both to and fro (:

Theme for this year was Having Done All To Stand (for God). I've missed morning devotions and 2 messages, I think, cos I fell sick. Sometimes looking back I wonder 'How come God made me fall sick during that week?', because wasn't I supposed to be learning His Word then? But then I also thought, maybe He wanted me to take a break from studying and to really just focus on Him and Him alone. No idea, but I'm facing exams more calmly this year than I previously had.

The sharings by MTT were definitely encouraging, and with all their own life experiences, it really helped us to see how we could put God's word into our lives and lead a life that is honouring to Him. Their words spoke to my heart and I could really feel God working His way in my life, and since coming back to Singapore, seeing God's presence in my life more evidently. It taught me to not harp on my present troubles, but instead just cast them all to God for He will carry these burdens for us. He will help us through all these trials, and He will make us stronger. As the theme suggests, the Conference really was about standing up for Jesus. After the conference, it really struck me that I haven't been really doing much for God, and I could do so much more, other than just going for service, YF meetings and serving in Awana. There are just so many more avenues that I can serve God.

Through the Conference, many friendships were formed, at the same time, having some cracks in some. But then, as I tried sealing up those cracks, I realised how much God mattered, how evident God was in our lives. As He put me through all these misunderstandings and problems, He built me up to be a stronger, more matured girl. Most importantly, it struck me even harder, how much I needed God, how weak I was without Him. Thank you, Lord, for always holding me up. Thanks to the dear sisters-in-Christ that God sent as well, I managed to recover relatively quickly. Thank you Shiqi, Nerissa, Zhi Xin, Samantha and anyone else that cared (: Thank God for you girls.

Went up to share my 4th testimony of the year during Testimony Night. My voice wasn't great, but by God's grace I managed to say out whatever I wanted to. Thanks Elijah, for asking. Shared Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 that says that to everything that happens, there is a time, a place and a reason. God never moves without purpose or plan and in every sorrow, happiness, trial, festive, harvest, wilt there is a time and place for it. The song I sung in DHS Choir for 6 years, only echoed to me now, only worked and spoke to my heart now. God was so near, and yet I didn't notice it. God was speaking to me all along, and yet I ignored Him. But alas, His call was not futile, for I responded as He softened my heart. So in every moment of our lives, remember God's will, always seek comfort or take joy in God (1 Thessalonians 5:16 "Rejoice evermore").

Captain's Ball - combined with Chinese YF. It was fun, undoubtedly, but I only got to play on the last day, while still sniffing away. By God's grace I managed to last throughout the whole game and survive throughout the camp though I didn't really sleep much. Made new friends, or brothers-in-Christ, like Ting Jun, who is also known as my Brother Zu or Didi Zu (:D), Wei Ming and Hantong, and after like 6 months, seeing Kenneth again. Understood people a lot better, though I don't know if that's a good thing or not, by in any case, if that's what God wanted to happen, so be it. Also, worked with Shiqi and Nerissa on YF Dorm Fellowship games. It was great working with these girls. Thank God for them! (:

Well, my objectives were achieved after this camp. Surely I've grown closer to God, understanding His Words more, and loving Him more each day. Yet I know I still have much to improve in being a good testimony for Him. Stumbling blocks will fall before me, but I know that with God, I'll be able to cross them unscathed.

Zhi Xin: Thanks for being such a wonderful sister all these while. You've been a blessing that God sent to me, always encouraging me and egging me on. Do remember that God will always be with you through whatever problems you have, just keep trusting in Him and keep praying and He will be with you, He will help you!

Gotta put on the whole armour of God! (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Stand up, stand up for Jesus,
Ye soldiers of the cross.
Lift high His royal banner,
it must not suffer loss.
From victory unto victory
His army shall He lead.
Till every foe is vanquished,
and Christ is Lord indeed.

Thank you, Father, for all that You've done.

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Recently, loads of things have been happening. Loads of worries, troubles, problems, headaches, heartaches, tears. But I know that God is there. He will guide us all through.

I've had many lost, cracked and broken friendships, which explains why I'm usually such a reclused person. I talk, but not usually about myself. I know that God hears and He listens to my heart and my thoughts. He knows my pain; He's gone through a million times worse than mine, He knows my troubles; He's gone through so much more than I have, He feels what I feel; He is my Father. Here I stand (or sit), feeling the same pain I had gone through just a few months before, the same dilemma, the same heartache, but a different mindset. They told me, they advised me, and I know what I should do. Yet I still want to speak to God, hoping that God will give me a better solution than this. And for my dear friends out there, if you face any anger, disappointment, sadness, dilemma, remember that God is there for you. Speak to Him, NEVER forget Him, always keep Him in your hearts.

And remember that dear brothers and sisters, Lydia loves you and she's always here for you. So no matter what happens, I'll always be here, because God gave me this ability to communicate, to comfort, so I will use it well, to His glory. Amen.

Because of this, people have hurt thoroughly.

Bible Conference was a good time of spiritual retreat and refreshment. Falling sick was even better because God really forced me to focus on Him and Him only, and not be distracted with studying for CTs. But then again, I've lagged behind a lot on studying and I'm worried about CTs. I believe that God will guide though. As long as I've put in my best for God.

Loads of things happened during Bible Conference and thanks to God, I observed things I never once did notice. A new light, a new perspective. It got me thinking a lot, and it came at a price. Quite heavy a price, but maybe it's worth it if everything can work out in the end.

Made new friends! Thank God for the new brothers and sisters in Christ! Thank God also for helping me to testify for You even though my voice wasn't great. Thank God also, for the very inspiring messages by the MTT team that really worked in my heart. Thank God, ultimately, for the opportunity and Your providence in going to the Conference.

God really works wonders. And God, even though He put us through such tough times, I do see myself growing with each trial I pull through. The conference was definitely one that taught me a lot and struck me hard, despite being sick and missing a few messages.

Thank you, Lord, for everything (:

Just look what you've done.
One glance at you and my heart tears into a million pieces.

Give me some response, will you.

You knew it, but you didn't do anything about it. So, am I to take the blame for it now?
---

I'm always the one being used isn't it? Since I don't say anything about it.

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Graduating from choir, never occurred to me that I'd feel this way. 6 years in the journey together, fighting and working our way all the way till now. We've had our quarrels, we've had our tears, we've had our laughter. We made music together. I think I have somewhat a love-hate relationship with choir. Okay, maybe not so the hate part, but sometimes I do feel tired. Yet on Friday, during games, that warmth rushed through me, the same familiar warmth I once had. And I loved choir all over again. The touching medley by the juniors activated my already-very-active tear glands.
Handing down never felt so different. From the tear-jerkers in Secondary School, to one of such mixed feelings in Senior High. It's difficult to express myself with just mere words, to translate my feelings into text. I'll miss feeling that excitement or dread going for choir, staying back late and walking down dark corridors together, singing as we walked along side each other and all that beautiful memories we had together as one DHSChoir family.
Thank you, choir.


Year 6s - Thank you for this wonderful journey together for these past 4 to 6 years. I'll definitely miss all the times we had together, from emoing together, to laughing together, chasing each other (literally) *stares at tricia and minjie*, being BONDED together, being CRAZY together (+20 points! HAHA). Certainly, working together with you guys have really been an unforgettable experience. Thank you, for always giving me all that support and encouragement even though I did a bad job at times. It was you guys that made me have the confidence to do what I was afraid of. Love you all (:

I'm probably slowly starting to let you go.

I'm confused.

Love and hate, separated only by that thin line.

She wiped her tears away, and told herself to be strong. She turned to look at him, and she crumbled all over again. She felt those stabs of pain in her heart. She ran, and ran, and ran. Hidden from the light, she poured her heart out to the shadows.