It's as though I don't know me anymore
Or maybe, I never did.

It's true. I just read this blog of someone and yes, when you think that things are gonna be fine, when you think that everything would work out if you had tried hard enough, you fall in to that stupid pithole and get slapped right in the face, hard. Then you wake up and realise, that everything's gone.

I always held my own view of them, even though I've heard rumours and stuff. I didn't judge her, nor did I judge him. But now, when I've heard from both, I begin to understand the things between. It falls in place, so neatly, like it was planned that way. But now I know, that she never wanted it to be that way. He never wanted it that way too, but she saw it herself. Both of them were so in love, until that day when she saw what she never wanted to see. I understand how much it hurts, I understand the pain that tortures your heart and the stinging feeling of the tears surging out of your eyes. And of course, I understand the disappointment. Reminds me of someone familiar. But the only difference is, she's happier now. But that familiar someone, is not.

I was taught to look even deeper the next time before I trust. Because you made me distrust and you made me weak. I admit my weakness. Before you, tears are my weakness. While I held back, did you know the pain that coursed through my veins? When I look at you now, do you know how much ache my heart experiences? She probably felt that way too. And we both had deluded ourselves; we had rather believe their lies. Cause at least then, they wouldn't be such idiots, breaking hearts time and again.

When you walked away from me, when you turned your back on me, when you hit my arm with force, when you shouted at me, when your eyes spoke of nothing but resentment, did you think of what would follow that? Did you think of the consequences of your actions? Your back view, never felt so strange and cold. Your eyes, never felt this distant and unfeeling. And your heart, never this heartless.

Because of you,
I'm such a loser.
Because of you,
I'm so feeble.
Because of you,
I lost everything.

it's as though you took a dagger and stabbed me in my heart.
not once but a million times.



[edit]
i think i really need a break from all these things.

Today's teacher's day wasn't too bad, considering... Nevermind. "Nice" decorated cake 4C (: I like the sprinkles though haha. I think we all really attracted a lot of attention with walking in our pyjamas' and even Mrs Phua looked at us and said 'Pyjamas?!' Lol. Ruixian and Zhuofei's singing very very very nice! So proud of them. Yay! RX and Fei jie JIAYOU <3 4C looks so cute with our pyjamas on, even Mrs Ong says so hahaha. Took pictures! Even took one with HAOYI. Didn't manage to take with ____ and ____. Don't bother guessing, you won't get it right. But yes, Haoyi was the only one I could get lol.

4 years being classmates with Haoyi has been like really great. I mean, although we don't talk much and we don't really know each other well, we've been in the same class for 4 years and we've done projects together all that stuff. He's really nice. He isn't THAT innocent, but at least, he isn't the same with the other guys. 4 years being classmates, I've really seen his changes from when he was sitting in front of me at the beginning of Sec1 till now, he's sitting in front of me again (: I don't know why I'm suddenly so reflective about this 4 years, especially after today. Oh well.

Hey look, buddy. Maybe you were just being a jackass two years back, but now we're both older, we both have changed. I know you're stressed out and I know you're afraid of misunderstandings again, but I assure you that there's none on my part. You already do know me well enough since when we were close from 3 years back, so now will you please stop being a jerk all over again and start being friendlier? I can't always be the one watching out for you.

I feel cheated.
Thanks to you.
Before you came along, I wasn't what you thought of me to be. Because of you, I changed time and time again, to someone even I myself dislike. When you stepped into my life, I didn't know things would take such a drastic turn and hurl a tornado and a hurricane in my direction. Yes, we were happy. Then you had to let it slip bit by bit with a stupid reason. I don't care what people say about me anymore, because it seems like they're describing a stranger anyway. When you let it slip out of your heart, did you think back and wonder whether what you're doing is right or wrong? No, you didn't. Because you used me. Like she said, used. I was just another toy in your hands. When you've gotten sick of playing with me, you throw me aside, never to cast a second glance at me. I'm just so disappointed in you, even more than she was with him.

if vows were true,
then why do they still make no difference?

why?

I realised that these days I'm becoming so vulgar. Yeah, it's so unlike me. Lydia of a term back would never have said that word out. And even though I've simmered down a lot from before, it doesn't mean that I can tolerate every single thing and laugh everything off. But still, I've learnt to accept things, I've learnt to be open and I've learnt to relax.

Stress is making itself comfortable on my shoulders and my brain all over again. It's become such a regular visitor, it doesn't even need too much invitation from Homework and School. Maybe it's just me inviting it to come myself, that I'm barely being able to breathe now. I'm just suffocating.

This is really scary. The speed at which people change really scares me so much that I still can't seem to get over the shock. Yes, it's been a term now, but it doesn't mean that I can get over something so major like it. It's like I'm standing at crossroads now, and I don't know which direction to take. Every road seems so scary, yet I know that behind these scariness, the beauty is there hidden and waiting for me discover. Yet, which is the path that I want to take? Holding on to believes and hopes or taking a risk? It's so tough a choice and I'm confused.

Perhaps all I want is to see that endless journey again. At least, with that road, there's hope and dreams and there's a goal that gives me the aim and motivation to work towards to. But now, all I see in front of me is just the upcoming End-of-Years and the coming Vienna competition. I'm just kept to myself all over again. Yes, Ada, I agree that forcing a smile or laugh out everyday is really tough. Staying strong for now, but not for too long.

The cold shoulder that you give me, the cold glances, the hurtful words hurled towards me, the lies you spat, the betrayal. I'm not non-existant. I'm a human and I have feelings too. I wonder why I put in so much to you when for 2 straight months all I got were lies. I wonder why I had to deceive myself in telling myself that I could get it back. Things change, people change. You're really a totally entirely different person. It's not just me, but many others who say so. No, I don't hate you. I don't blame you, but there are some things that are unforgiveable.

My pride, my honour, my dignity.
Gone.

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

(Chorus)

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

(Chorus x2)

Well,
I'm going to Vienna!
Thank you Trish (:

i've proven to myself that i'm not a fickle person;
i am consistent and very loyal.

i've proven you wrong


After all this while, life still sucks back here. I'm even surprised I survived this stupid term. So many big events bombarding my life and affecting me physically and emotionally that I thought I wouldn't last till even Week 5. But now, it's already the end of Week 9. I can't believe how I survived the 9 weeks and the days after 27 July.

I'm not what my character type says me to be - fickle minded. I'm not. Because I've proven to myself and others that I stay loyal. I've proven a lot of people wrong about me. I'm just very unpredictable - I'm not what you see me to be. But yet at times, very predictable. Only those who understand me will really understand what I mean here.

"you don't have to remember how to smile"
I wish. I wish everything in life could be taken with a pinch of salt. Maybe it can be, because it really depends on one self. But yet, it does bug us emotionally. As I think back, there are regrets, there's joy, there's love, there's tears. What's over, may already be in the past, but what is present is what the past brought for us. The past dictates the present, and the present, the future. I know I can't turn time back, I can't go back to the beginning of last year, when everything was still innocent and plain. I rather a plain life, than the complex one I have now. I need an escape from all these. Who says smiling and laughing in front of you means I'm feeling really happy and joyful inside?


Thank you Trish, Kennard, Chun Long, Jing Qi, Terence and all the rest out there whom have spurred me on till today.
Of course, my sister-in-law, my brother, my mummy and daddy for not giving up on me despite every single stupid and horrible thing I've done. For not scolding me, but knocking sense into me instead. For being by my side when I was at my lowest point. For listening to my rants and putting up with my tearful face. For being patient with an almost walking-zombie me. And Ynja, for being the wonderful baby niece that never fails to make me smile when she does. I love you all <3


i want to escape;

they were just empty

I never thought I'd feel this way. It gets worse by the day with lesser distractions and all that I can do is try to study when it really is so tough. I try, I really do try, but there's a limit to me. That's all I can say. Nothing much more. I've been so exhausted, so tired and so stressed up. Things that shouldn't be occurring are just happening.

You know how bad your works are. You should know. And I really wonder why I put in all those to get you something you didn't deserve, something better than what I got. Mine had suffered for completion of yours. Bet you never knew huh? I never went for recognition, but I feel horrible now. Harming you, not helping.

I don't remember how to smile sincerely.
Blame it on me for thinking it was real.
Blame it on me for believing.
Blame it on me for falling in.

all along i was just an experiment

vows are nothing,
and so are promises

Chun Long's left. I'm sure we all already miss him a lot. Best friends for a lifetime and nothing else can set us back and make those stupid mistakes we made about 6 months or more back. No, it's nothing bad, but bad enough to have made this past week never happen. Probably we never saw the gold in this friendship that we had done those things, so hurtful and full of contempt. At least, it's over now, and we both have new worries. It's amazing how when we talk to each other, everything seems lighter than it actually is.

I've never felt so lighthearted when visiting Gemma (2G'08). Somehow, they really bring the joy in me, not much, but at least better than none. That little corner there reminds me of 3C'07 where many great things happened, where memories so tightly and happily held. The smiles on all of the juniors' faces is really priceless. At least with them, I don't feel as pressurized. I never used to be this way, but circumstances changed and people changed, I can't control my emotions as well.

Yet, I'm still the same. I still don't show it. They can't tell because all they see is what I wear and not what is real. Changed, but not so. I still am what those closer to me know how I am. Totally feeble and weak. Still crumbling deeper and deeper. And I have only myself to blame for not listening to someone's advice to not sink deeper into the abyss for it would be hard to get out of it. Now that I finally understand, it's all too late. The smiles have all turned to tears. The laughter have all turned to sobs. The energy has all turned lifeless. All these changes for something small.

i'm only a piece of tissue; one you discard after use

I tried. I know they're having problems too. Maybe I'm thinking too much myself that I'm still stuck here, I can't get out. It's a complete maze in total darkness and I seem to always take the wrong turn. I wish I wasn't this way. All this while, only just one friend could read my mind. All the encouragement and stuff, I really do appreciate. Only that when you're not here, everything crumbles to where it started.

Discarded and unwanted.
Like how everything was just nothing.
No more hopes, no more dreams no more happiness.

Maybe one day I'll find my way out. Maybe.

don't blog about tomorrow.
tomorrow never comes

Tomorrow will just be another day.

Yesterday was FANTABULOUS. Geog test pwned me, but it's over, so I shan't go think too much about it, lest it gives me a worse headache than the one I already experience daily. Bananas in Pyjamas of 4C'08! I'm sure we'll all look utterly funny in pyjamas.

Met Chun Long and Min Jie in the canteen and that Min Jie went for maths. Teck Huat came along, we ate then we went to play ball! I vball-ed with choir for awhile before joining Teck Huat and Chun Long. Bball in courtesy of Yuan Hao! Min Jie came too, FINALLY. Actually we didn't really play. Only awhile later we didn't know whether to join 4C guys or not, which in the end we decided not to and we joined Clinton and 2 year2 bball girls instead. I didn't play, but Jie Zhi did o_o

Went to visit choir for awhile. We didn't mean to stay, but don't know why we ended up staying for the whole thing. Choir is... disappointing, I have to say. I shan't elaborate too much here. But yeah, choir please don't do that again, it's really very very hurting. Get yourselves together. It isn't easy on Zixuan or Jane.

Took train with the year3s who were playing some odd game that Zixuan came up with. Haha. They're really lively. And of course, Chun Long's Monday to Sunday (: Poor Min Jie and the day that called back! Haha! Trish couldn't make it in the end so only Min Jie, Teck Huat, Chun Long, Kasey (who decided to join us! yay!) and me went for dinner. Made a trip to Chun Long's hotel room first. GOSH HIS HOTEL ROOM'S VIEW IS DAMN NICE! AHHH. That stupid boy went to bathe so we waited for him and when he came out, Teck Huat and Min Jie thrashed him with pillows! HAHA. See lah, want kachio me then in the end dirty your own bed tsktsk.

Dinner at NYDC at Suntec! Haha, great food (: E=mc^2 took a life from me, rawr. We played games and all. It's the circle of trust! There were times when we were all shocked and stunned and of course, there were times when we laughed so hysterically, we were on the verge of rolling on the floor already. Reached home quite late though, and thanks Chun Long for sending me home =D

I really enjoyed the time out with them, especially after choir. All of us were so relaxed, happy and playful. Teck Huat was so unlike the usual him that we see. They really made me laugh so much, I felt like I've never laughed this hard in my life, especially Teck Huat. Thanks alot! Kasey and I were laughing over this stupid thing that Min Jie did to Chun Long and all the coincidental things that happened after that when we stepped into Suntec hahaha.

Somehow, I feel as though Chun Long's the one binding all of us together. Teck Huat, Min Jie and I were never this close. Kennard and I as well. The juniors and us seniors were relatively closer. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I really feel the sense of belonging. We should really go out more often, even if Chun Long's not here in Singapore. But then again, if it wasn't for him, would the guys come out with us? I don't know. But I know we'll all miss him when he isn't here again.

Time passes so quickly. Just too quickly.
Too many things settling in on me that I really can't breathe. And who will offer that hand to me to pull me out of this suffocating quicksand? Who will be the one to offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear?

Will it be you, my best friend?
Or someone else?
Or no one at all?

This is NOT supposed to be an emo post! Ahh, can't help it.
I'll end the post with a message to two friends -

Chun Long: Thanks for always being around when I needed someone to talk to. Although times were bad for us, for you or for me, you had always been there to give me advice and to cheer me up. You've never despised me and you've always trusted me, no matter what the circumstances were. You were always there, to support me and encourage me. I'll really miss you ): all over again.

Si Tong: Cheer up, you've still got me remember? Studies isn't everything. Just do your best and that's all. And your other problems, I know it's tough to face them or try to change the situation, but try to. I'm here if you need me (:

I've been experiencing too much this whole year that I don't know what to feel. People walk in and out of your life. How you want to face these things and how you perceive them is really up to yourself. No one can help you, no one at all. No matter how hard I try to, I still can't get past myself, I still can't get over a lot of things. Not just that most obvious one, but many others as well. Been trying hard to brace myself up to these things, to try and face them bravely and to tell myself that I'm not as weak as I used to be. But I know I'm just deluding myself. I'm just finding excuses for myself to feel better when I'm really hurting hard inside. It doesn't feel as painful when I accidentally knock myself on the wall or whatever anymore, because no amount of physical pain can amount to the pain I'm going through emotionally.

Yes, I know I have been worrying a lot of people, I have been a pain in the neck, but I'm just the type that can't help my emotions. Yes, I'm sorry I'm this way. People change, and so have I. I'm not the girl you used to know. No more that girl. Just like someone, I don't regret the things I have done, but rather, disappointed in changes. Change, is really scary. It can rip away all of your life's happiness in just one instant and there goes your happiness, all fallen into an unknown pit, where the sky starts to turn all black and all the gloom falls in. Here I am, typing away, with my mind on so many things at once. Too many things, too little time. Too much tears, too little chances.


Thank you, to you and you and you and you and many many more.

After everything, why do I still defend you?

Today was really fun. Thanks you two, I've never laughed like this for such a long time already.

The bball thing at the arcade was just so familiar. Only its a different arcade and different people. But oh well, KENNARD CHNG IS DAMN IMBA. Your two handed thing. Big hands good lah, pro lah. Chun Long and I also not that bad lor. But oh well, still not as pro.

Went to watch Love Guru. It's not as sick as Zohan though NC 16. The two of them ar, damn gay lah. One can laugh till sink down in his seat, the other so absorbed until he almost forgot his chocs.

Okay, I shan't elaborate too much. Great day, thanks guys!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TECKHUAT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE

Welcome back to Singapore, Chun Long! :D

School was rather fine I suppose. After school went to pay a short little visit to 2G which ended up in quite a long visit, because Mr Yeo came in and he taught me Integration - Kinematics. And yes, Wen Xin is REALLY back. I was still wondering if I was seeing things when I saw her around. Taught her maths too. And I found out that the year 2s streaming subject combi need take 2 humanities o_o there's even integrated lit besides LA. Poor things!

Did maths till Chun Long called, then went to meet Chun Long. Happened to meet Xingqi on the way haha, so we took the MRT together. Eh, I really never hear any Xingqi rumours before. I was asking Trish and she said she never heard his rumours before too! See, Xingqi, I'm not out-tuned. Lol. But he's a really nice guy for fanning me in the super hot LT1. Thanks Mr LOY =D

Chun Long really looks so different everytime he comes back to visit. This time he really looked weird. His hairstyle lah ._. Hmm, we walked to Suntec to meet Trish who was there with her girls doing jy's present (: While waiting for her, Chun Long and I walked around to find *ahem* present. Couldn't find anything nice, but at least we know what we wanna get already! Later when we went back, Trish was done too, so the 3 of us walked around, aimlessly. Chocs! xD

Trish and I went home together. We talked, yupp. We're really very crazy when the both of us come together. It's one of those sure-laugh situations. But yeah, we're always there for each other, girl (:

Quote of the day: "Hello, darling ar"
-laughs- nope, and this is an inside joke :D

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MY THINGS SO STOP BEING SO CHEAP AND IMMATURE BY DELETING MY PERSONAL THINGS, YOU IDIOT.
IF YOU DID IT YOU BETTER ADMIT IT AND NOT HIDE AWAY LIKE A COWARD.