It's as though I don't know me anymore
Or maybe, I never did.

It's true. I just read this blog of someone and yes, when you think that things are gonna be fine, when you think that everything would work out if you had tried hard enough, you fall in to that stupid pithole and get slapped right in the face, hard. Then you wake up and realise, that everything's gone.

I always held my own view of them, even though I've heard rumours and stuff. I didn't judge her, nor did I judge him. But now, when I've heard from both, I begin to understand the things between. It falls in place, so neatly, like it was planned that way. But now I know, that she never wanted it to be that way. He never wanted it that way too, but she saw it herself. Both of them were so in love, until that day when she saw what she never wanted to see. I understand how much it hurts, I understand the pain that tortures your heart and the stinging feeling of the tears surging out of your eyes. And of course, I understand the disappointment. Reminds me of someone familiar. But the only difference is, she's happier now. But that familiar someone, is not.

I was taught to look even deeper the next time before I trust. Because you made me distrust and you made me weak. I admit my weakness. Before you, tears are my weakness. While I held back, did you know the pain that coursed through my veins? When I look at you now, do you know how much ache my heart experiences? She probably felt that way too. And we both had deluded ourselves; we had rather believe their lies. Cause at least then, they wouldn't be such idiots, breaking hearts time and again.

When you walked away from me, when you turned your back on me, when you hit my arm with force, when you shouted at me, when your eyes spoke of nothing but resentment, did you think of what would follow that? Did you think of the consequences of your actions? Your back view, never felt so strange and cold. Your eyes, never felt this distant and unfeeling. And your heart, never this heartless.

Because of you,
I'm such a loser.
Because of you,
I'm so feeble.
Because of you,
I lost everything.

it's as though you took a dagger and stabbed me in my heart.
not once but a million times.



[edit]
i think i really need a break from all these things.

Today's teacher's day wasn't too bad, considering... Nevermind. "Nice" decorated cake 4C (: I like the sprinkles though haha. I think we all really attracted a lot of attention with walking in our pyjamas' and even Mrs Phua looked at us and said 'Pyjamas?!' Lol. Ruixian and Zhuofei's singing very very very nice! So proud of them. Yay! RX and Fei jie JIAYOU <3 4C looks so cute with our pyjamas on, even Mrs Ong says so hahaha. Took pictures! Even took one with HAOYI. Didn't manage to take with ____ and ____. Don't bother guessing, you won't get it right. But yes, Haoyi was the only one I could get lol.

4 years being classmates with Haoyi has been like really great. I mean, although we don't talk much and we don't really know each other well, we've been in the same class for 4 years and we've done projects together all that stuff. He's really nice. He isn't THAT innocent, but at least, he isn't the same with the other guys. 4 years being classmates, I've really seen his changes from when he was sitting in front of me at the beginning of Sec1 till now, he's sitting in front of me again (: I don't know why I'm suddenly so reflective about this 4 years, especially after today. Oh well.

Hey look, buddy. Maybe you were just being a jackass two years back, but now we're both older, we both have changed. I know you're stressed out and I know you're afraid of misunderstandings again, but I assure you that there's none on my part. You already do know me well enough since when we were close from 3 years back, so now will you please stop being a jerk all over again and start being friendlier? I can't always be the one watching out for you.

I feel cheated.
Thanks to you.
Before you came along, I wasn't what you thought of me to be. Because of you, I changed time and time again, to someone even I myself dislike. When you stepped into my life, I didn't know things would take such a drastic turn and hurl a tornado and a hurricane in my direction. Yes, we were happy. Then you had to let it slip bit by bit with a stupid reason. I don't care what people say about me anymore, because it seems like they're describing a stranger anyway. When you let it slip out of your heart, did you think back and wonder whether what you're doing is right or wrong? No, you didn't. Because you used me. Like she said, used. I was just another toy in your hands. When you've gotten sick of playing with me, you throw me aside, never to cast a second glance at me. I'm just so disappointed in you, even more than she was with him.

if vows were true,
then why do they still make no difference?