ahhh, what pleasant days.

worried-free, stress-free. i'm so carefree and relaxed (well, wait till school reopens, lydia). Only it's getting a bit boring at home with most of my friends overseas. Adeline can't meet us on wednesday ): she's gonna be going to KL. It's alright, we'll meet up again after she's back!

Hmm, saturday was my second eldest cousin's wedding and it was totally fantastic. I like working as reception, it's really fun, especially being alongside Stella Jie Jie and Allan Kor Kor, two of my cousins. The angpao box was really really heavy at the end!! Haha. I shall just post a few pictures here (:














i'd like to share this with you

hi.

you can totally call me whatever names you want, you know. oh well yeah, names like b**ch and whatever can suck a lot and be very hurting but it doesnt matter. look in the mirror, look at how horrible you look. no no, not the face, not that. WAIT, i don't think you understand what i'm talking about.

thank you kenneth ang. for letting me know that i'm that bitch. funny how i don't feel sad over it huh.

I DON'T NEED YOU

i'm happier than you are.
jingqi you're right, i don't need whats-his-name-cos-i-forgot.

for goodness sake, i am a single entity. people should stop associating me with whatever-his-name-is. and i don't care if his friends hate me.

it's been so long and you can still be pissed about it. yet when i think about it, i find it so hilarious, i can laugh. childish. yet stupid at the same time. you make me proud of myself.

true friends. only one is enough. moreover, i have two at the very least.

bye.





EDIT:









you guys up there in the pictures - kerensa, liyoung, samantha, adeline, clara (even though you're not up there), jingqi, tricia, kennard, zhenwei, yuxuan, kathleen, zhuofei (even though you're not there), zixuan, clement, wilson. i love you all

QI, TRISH! I MISS PAPA, MUMMY AND YOU TWO DAJIE AND ERJIE )):
REN, LY, SAM, ADE, CLARA, I MISS YOU GUYS TOO )):

Went out with Adeline, Kerensa, Samantha and Li Young on Monday!!!!!

I miss them so much ): And we really had a lot of fun. Watched Four Christmases with Li Young, Ade and Ren while waiting for Samantha. Clara was supposed to come, but she couldn't make it in the end ): Wasted. We really had a lot of fun. Played pool too. Ade left early. Oh, okay, pictures!






















AWW MAN, I REALLY MISS THEM SO MUCH.
It was really a hell lot of fun going out with them, talking about our primary school friends, our schools, PROM (which i sadly did not have!!! rarr), joking, crapping, and all that kind of things. We must go out again soon k! And make sure that Clara can make it this time haha.


it never dies

So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
There's no more you
No more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be


All of that was long ago. History. Because recently I've been so happy. Thank you (: Certain things needn't be mentioned here. I've found even a greater happiness I didn't have before and I feel so free, so liberated. How is it I can feel this way sometimes makes no sense to me, considering all the tears back then, all that lamenting, all that anger, all the words used to abuse each other, all the pleading. Suddenly all these things mean nothing, it's as though they never happened.

I don't know how long this happiness will last, but I know that I have to treasure every single second of it, or I'll regret it once it slips by. No, I'm not having a boyfriend, don't be mistaken. It's happiness in another form other than romantic relationships. Thank you thank you (:

Okay I know this post makes no sense to alot of you, sorry.
Oh, Body of Lies got me a bit bored. Maybe because I was really tired too, so i couldn't really appreciate the show. I got a bit freaked out over the blood at one part and the finger o_o gosh, and to think how many violent shows I've already watched with my brother. Haha, still not used to it!

Okay, I'm stopping here if not I'll start talking rubbish again haha.

EDIT:
It isn't that I've already forgotten the past, but rather, keeping it all in my heart and in my mind. It shouldn't be the cause of my bad mood or down mood anymore. It's over, and all I can do is to remember the happiest moments and learn from the worst moments. Thanks to him, for giving me such a memorable memory to keep. It'll stay, and I'll still think about it, but I'll be back to me, back to lively me.

I'll miss you. I'll miss everything. But it's over.
Take care.





I miss papa and mummy xD *winks to jingqi and tricia*

remembrance

haha yes, i took this picture myself at vienna, similar to the one jingqi has - she inspired me to try a shot too (:


That just ain't for me.
Because finally I know
I deserve better after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall.
Not for you.


Days have been somewhat the same. Routine's so repeated everyday. I still haven't exchanged photos with Qi, Trish and Yuxuan! I think there's some from other people but I can't seem to remember hahah. Thank goodness, I finally sent my reflections to Mrs Wong yesterday afternoon, FINALLY.

Oh, there's gonna be bowling tomorrow! Haha, and stupid me is like down with flu, cough and sore throat and probably a bit of slight fever. It's okay I'll still drag myself ahead if it's not that bad tomorrow morning.

Ahhh I didn't notice how late it is already. I shall go to sleep. I HAVE GOT A LOT OF MOVIES I WANT TO WATCH THIS HOLIDAYS!!! ):


As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.
I'm done, I'm done, said I'm so done,
I'm free, I'm free, so free
Free to feel the way I feel, yeah.




oh how I miss Vienna~

I'm lazy to blog so here are just some pics from Vienna!


Our dinner table with Ms Tham, Mrs Wong and Uncle Steven!


Trish and me on the bus


Myself and Ruixian the comical senior


Myself and Wilson my neighbour!


Year 4s at Changi Airport before departure (Chen Yang so lucky right lol)


Papa Zhen Wei and myself with Astonian choir girls at farewell dinner (:


Year 4 girls on the steps at shonbrunn palace acting emo


Qi, Trish and me in front of St. Steven's Cathedral


Year 4s making a wish to the candle at the dinner table xD


Qi and myself with an artist who paints and draws fabulous scenes of the place.

I'll upload more next time!
yawn, nights!

I miss vienna



it's back to reality

We're leaving~
in approximately 4hours and 30mins.

I'll totally miss you guys (you know who you are). Yet at the same time I know I'll enjoy being roomies with Trish and Qi!!! Our little Stitches xD But then again, fun things are awaiting my return, back here in Singapore. Oh, I can't wait for all the nice things.

Bowling today was way below my normal standard, but heck lah, it's over.

The Coffin ain't that scary after all. At least I didn't scream. The plot was a bit confusing and even till now I'm still like a little confused. Haha. But it isn't scary, it's just shocking. If i didn't scream and I didn't find it scary, then anyone else can watch already lol.

No pictures today BECAUSE i'm using a com that has no pictures. I'll post pics when I'm back from vienna. I'll miss you.

return
and away i go



Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you
And you can put that blame on me

YESSSSS my laptop is finally up again!!!

Haha. I'll be leaving for Vienna tomorrow night and I'm gonna be super busy tomorrow that I don't think I will have time to post, so TAKE CARE EVERYONE. Bye and I'll miss you all. DHSChoir JIAYOU.

Bowling trials tomorrow.
Good luck to Yingjie, Kia Hin, Tung Hsi, Lynn, Terence, Tsun Leung and Rong Hui. That's a really big group from 4C. Oh yeah, not forgetting, GOOD LUCK to myself haha. I really hope Kennard won't be like watching lor, if not I really will stress hahaha.

Mr Wesley! I'll miss you alot when I'm in Vienna k. Don't think you can escape me for one week means when I come back I won't continue bothering you haha. Happy thinking for your homework, sorry I couldnt help ): I know you'll miss me too. LOL.

Hello, you'll miss me too right! hahaha. I promise I'll miss you too. (gosh, who the hell am i referring to? =/)

Jing Qi, Trish and I, we're gonna have so much fun together being roommates. Haha, we never fail to GET HIGH when we're together. Like today at dhoby ghaut mrt - the baby pink and the black song!! hahaha. <3 jiejie and meimei. AND papa and mummy.

Have fun Year4s at the prom, AND commencement!
I LOVE 4C'08 <3

Byebyeeeeeee.
Thank you for all the happiness you've brought me


Ngee Heng, my super cute nephew. Happy 15months and 3 days!

My sis-in-law, Ynja and me!

My elder niece, Ser Ern. So big girl already haha.

My totally ADORABLE niece, YNJA (pronounced in-ya). Happy 5 months and 6 days! (on the 11th nov)

I am posting now because Mr Ding Si Tong is requesting for a post. Haha. But my com is down so there will be no pictures. I'm using the family com which has none of the pictures that I want uploaded here.

Anyway, HCL O'level was okay. I think it was much better than some of the practice papers that we did. Hope I don't flop the paper though! And FINALLY, after 4 years, Jing Qi, Trish and I finally got a chance to go out together - to Parkway. Yumyum for Jack's Place. We got really high in 196 and I went totally crazy in Jack's place thanks to the chocolate ice cream. And pictures! I'll ask Qi and Trish for the pics some time soon hahha.

I can't wait for Vienna!!! So excited over it. Our pre-vienna roommate bonding session went really well today haha. I learnt that I get really high with anything that has chocolate content. Oreos, choc ice cream, choc biscuit... LOL. And when I mean high, I mean really crazy. Just ask Qi and Trish about it man lol. Even though all 3 of us can get really out of hand.

OH WE MET THE OLD BOOKSHOP AUNTIE. she's now at cedar girls. I liked her, because she was really friendly and nice.

ENJOY CHINA, SI TONG. Don't worry, I'm sure she'll miss you too. Just try to enjoy the 20 days then it wouldnt seem that long a time anymore. Have a nice trip, bon voyage in advance in case i forget on that day.

I'll miss 4C. I really will. Even though there were rough times I still think we're a fantastic class. Even though there are still issues, I still think we're really a great bunch of people. So take care all of you, must have frequent class gatherings okay?

You. Please take care. i know whatever I say now is total crap to you. But still, I hope you'll be at your happiest everytime. Yes, there's still awkward moments, but at least I'm trying hard enough to not feel awkward. I'll live up to what I told Kennard and Trish. At the same time, I hope you enjoy your company of your... friends. Take care, and all the best. The memories will still be there.

yet another year

I AM SLEEPY.
and have been for the whole day.

SPH was considerably boring due to the many many talks. The games didnt turn out exactly fun cos it's only like answering questions and getting posters. Yepp, will be helping Tsun and Hao Yi with theirs. Terence and Haoyu went with the other group to take pics and take notes. And here are the BEST photos of Terence Yong Guo Huan. They're like super useful, yeah right.







Actually, there's still alot more of other people. But I shan't be putting them up because Terence is dumb ahhahaha. Okay, I hate the day. Seriously. I've never eaten so little in a day before dammit. At this rate, I'll drop to like 38kg in less than 2 days, what with my coughing and flu now. Darn. Okay that's all byebye.

4C made it again! (:
And so did 4H and 4I. 4C.H.I. for a CHInese presentation -.- Still, I don't understand my role. I know it's real irritating, but I can't help it if I'm supposed to act as a stupid girl who sajiaos like dunno what. I only got the script right before I had to present it. So to those out there who did what you did, I appreciate you knowing my presence, but I don't appreciate what you did. If you don't respect others, then don't expect me to respect you. I won't. You guys, and you in particular, should look into the mirror before you come crashing at me.

Good job Trish. You were not bad. Yushang's part was really funny. Haha, and hearing you repeat the same sentence over and over again. Cute little reporter, girl.

Sometimes I feel like tearing down the whole building. But then, I'd stop and think and realise that I'm not that angry actually. My temperament's improved, but I guess nobody realises it, not that I need anybody to. Thank you Jing Qi, for yesterday's chat! (: Oh, I have so many people to thank for making things worse than they already are. Seriously, I don't understand why things are like that. What happened today was far yet more examples of this. When I had trusted him/her, he/she had turned around to the other person and done things behind my back.

I just told a friend (=D) that I actually quite enjoy this alone thing, for this moment. Yet at times, I still do reminisce. It's called feelings. I do feel hurt, I do feel sad, I do feel alone like all other humans. Faking a smile is so normal for me now. When you've gotten used to hiding your feelings, it's as though you're acting, only you have to make sure that the people don't know that you are. Jing Qi, don't hide your feelings. Just show them all out. Don't be like me, it only makes you feel worse.

I can't wait for holidays. I can't wait for Vienna. I can't wait to get out of this place. And to think 3 months plus ago, I couldn't bear to leave this place at all. I can't wait to escape. I can't wait for the 2nd year end trip to visit daddy. I can't wait to escape again. I love 4C, I admit. But I still do feel weak at times, and it's when I really want to escape.


不想懂得
当世界 不知不觉的变了
有时候 我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想象是一种快乐
拥有了 同时也失去什么
而眷恋 原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折
我不想舍得 不想懂得
是谁惹谁 言不由衷
说谎伤害 都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么
我不想舍得 不想懂得
谁说割爱 才更深刻
彼此依赖 是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是感动的
我愿意 一秒钟放弃全宇宙
挤在只有我们紧靠的小星球
我不想舍得 不想懂得
是谁惹谁 言不由衷
说谎伤害 都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么
我多不舍得 多不懂得
谁说割爱 才更深刻
彼此依赖 是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是感动的

I just wanna say thank you, to you guys (you know who you are).
No matter how many times i say it, it doesn't seem to be enough for all the encouragement and support all of you have given me. Thanks for trusting me and for looking out for me and for being one of the firsts to comfort me and lend me shoulders to cry on when I needed them. Thanks so much! (:

And to you, I'm not angry with you.
Neither am I angry with you or you or even you.

I regret telling her and her. And for taking her as a close friend. I'm sorry that this had to end like this, but because you had doubts, so I don't see the point in being friends if you're always suspicious of me. I've done nothing of the sort so I'm not even feeling guilty or bad. Go ahead and continue what you're doing. It's a pity, but it's not worth it.

Quotes Rowen: night sky will always calm you down.
I agree, thanks. I know you've been nice but I'm sorry over certain things that happened so long ago. I never had a proper chance to apologise to you. Sorry. And the night sky really makes me feel calmer.


I know _______ never felt this. I preferred the night. And the other party did, only in another context. I love the night for its calmness and it's darkness. It's mystery and it's excitement. I love the stars even more. I love gazing at the stars for it washes a sense of calmity over me and I'd feel all peaceful once again. But we never got to fulfil our promises. That's my regret.



小故事
前路没灯只有烟　学会醉中找视线
回望剩低苦涩　也可将人生的好纪念
存在过总有意义　若结果真分别了　还是有明天

当伤到尽时　不懂淌泪
呼吸也乱　有口难言面对
当双眼渐红　哭不算罪
男或女　谁没有苦水

纵使结果早已知　就算牺牲都愿意
前路有多苦　未怕摔倒　全因你紧靠住
忘掉昨天那怀疑　在困境坚守路线
无憾了　这辈子未算长未觉短
啊　相拥对视
你　可否记住
我　生于世上
等　这小故事

Let me tell you this.

I don't care how you've tampered with my stuff, even when YOU of all people should know that I HATE people touching my personal stuff as most other people do. You should learn how to respect people and not do things behind my back. Just face up to it. I'm not going to retaliate, I'm not going to ask you back for anything and I'm not going to yell at you whatsoever. But if this goes on, I'll definitely do something about it. Once, I can forgive. Twice, I'll still be able to forgive. Thrice, I may be able to force myself to forgive. Fourth time, maybe I'll still manage a forgive and not forget. But if it happens too many times, I won't let you ride over me and step all over me like how a horse tramples on people to kill them.

You guys should really just get out of my life.

Happy Birthday Shih Ting! <3
You're finally 16, although on this very day you are unable to celebrate your birthday, but I still wish you many happy returns and all the best in everything you do! Thanks for always being there for me and trusting me. You're a great friend, really (:

While I'm printing some things for Geog because I don't want to read it off the computer, I read some blogs. Ada's blog can somewhat reflect what I feel inside too, so thank you Ada. We're sort of in the same boat, although you don't know it. And what you typed on your blog can also reflect my inner thoughts and feelings. Stay strong, and pull through this period. I'm sure we can do this.

Papers have been... I don't know. There were good and there were bad, but I think overall it isn't supposed to be tough. I screwed Physics up, as usual, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Last paper on Wednesday. Can't wait to get it over and done with and to welcome Daddy back for a week. Lydia as a daughter, Lydia as a sister, Lydia as a sister-in-law, Lydia as an aunt, Lydia as a cousin. Well, inevitable roles. Been having constant headaches recently besides falling ill very often. Thanks for the care and concern from some of you; really appreciate it.

I can't believe how fake you are. Changing yourself to fit other people. If it's changing yourself for the better, that's good, but you're changing yourself for the worse. Not only that, but changing yourself to suit the things you don't even like doing. I never believed you'd stoop so low to get attention. What is wrong in staying behind the scenes? I want to ignore, I want to forget. But I can't seem to be able to. Not mentioning that I can't even bring myself to face it.
I'm escaping.

Stop roping me in further.

Bloody sick again

I really can't believe myself. How I always fall sick at the wrong times. And now, when the exams are nearing?! How accurate can you get, Sore Throat buddy? And soon it'll lead to more things. Already having some other symptoms already. Screw you, illness. Stop coming at wrong times. Great, cause now I can't talk due to the super painful throat.

School was... rather fine, since balancing out the usefulness and non-usefulness weighs out to be the same. We really didn't do anything much for maths. Three-quarters of the time just sitting down there doing our own maths worksheets and tys and whatnots. I love Mrs Ong! HAHA. She's such a fantabulous teacher =D I shall really study hard for this year's EOYs! Quan Huan we can do it for physics! Yay! I shan't let myself down, much less let the others down. I may not be as good as my cousins, but at least I know that I've tried my best and being in this school is definitely not easy. I'm still lagging behind though, considering all their straight As and almost full GPAs.

GEMMA: Hey sorry guys, I didn't visit as I said I would. On Monday, I really forgot to, cause probably I was really too tired, that I was stoning in class somehow. And today, I couldn't. I'm sorry guys, especially Ada and Si Tong! Sorry sorry. All of you must jiayou for your EOYs, I'm sure you're all capable of tackling the exams!

Don't stare at me like that. I wasn't doing anything against my conscience, much less badmouthing you or trying to make you feel bad. At the very least, I know I was only discussing with him about some stuff, and not flirting with him. Well, for not slandering me for this past 2 weeks (not counting the hols), thank you. But not like it bothers me anymore. Egging me, but not as bad as before. Still torturing at night when I had dreamt of that. Still torturing when I go past the once-so-familiar streets. Still torturing when I face you. I've gotta learn to stand strong, gotta learn to be the lydia before. Still failing, but I'm gonna try. I'm not putting it down, but I just gotta stand strong.

it's been so long since that close proximity.

FOREVER
I’ll be loving you forever
Deep inside my heart you’ll leave me never
Even if you took my heart and tore it apart
I would love you still, forever

You are the sun
You are my life
And you're the last thing on my mind before I go to
Sleep at night
You’re always round when I’m in need
When troubles on my mind you put my soul at ease
There is no one in this world, who could love me like
You do
That is the reasons that I wanna spend forever with you

We´ve had our fun
And we’ve made mistakes
But who’d have guessed along the road we’d learn to
Give and take
It’s so much more than I could have dreamed, I could
Have dreamed
Cause you make loving you so easy for me
There is no one in this world, who could love me like you do
That is the reason that I wanna spend forever with you

And I pray you´ll leave me never

Cos this is the world where lovers often go astray
But if we love each other we won’t go that way
So put your doubts aside
Do what it takes to make it right
Cos I love you forever no one can tear us apart.

Even if you took my heart and tore it apart
I would love you still, forever

I was there.

I'm feeling guilty for having not studied much these 4 days. Basically only covered a bit of Physics and LA, not forgetting maths, of course. I think I should be able to study finish by the first paper, if i devote a lot of time to studying, that is. I know I should, but I can't help but get distracted, especially when I have a cute little baby at home who cries a lot!

I wanna say a big big THANK YOU to Lim Wei Jie for helping me with some stuff that I'm too ashamed of to say here ahahaha. No lah, actually it's nothing shameful at all xD But anyway, thanks Wei Jie, though I doubt you'll see this! My twin is really so so so nice. Yay.

And guess where he stays? Yeah, around a place I thought I'd never return to again. I hate that feeling of going past that place with all that familiarity and nostalgia and not being able to do anything. That feeling of helplessness that I feel every night ever since has been torturing. Probably it was all my fault. When it was put before me, I was too caught up and busy with my responsibilities elsewhere that the time I had put in to it wasn't enough to make things go smoothly. It had, at first, and everything was understanding, forgiving and nice, till that one time. He probably never understood what it felt like to be put under such pressure from all around. Pretending to be understanding didn't help when facing me he was all sweet and nice and when he turned his back, he was complaining on how horrible I was.

There are many regrets one has in life, but depending on the severity of the situation, the degree of regret is different as well. I know I promised a friend to try and look ahead. But there are the dreams at night which haunt me, the objects that I can never remove and the scars on me, they remind me deadly of the things I don't want to remember. I know EOYs are nearing and I should be full fledged into studying. I am. But at night, when my mind is not kept busy with studies or taking care of the baby, when I'm alone in the dark staring at the ceiling and the shadows casted on my walls, everything comes back as I look around my room. You were selfish, dear one, you never thought of me.


大男人小女孩
林俊杰

不是我的错
我们都听过
完美的时候
要更多
找这时候说的太多
有时候的我
只想和你一样沉默
不想单单罗罗嗦嗦
谁也灭不掉的火
也许大男人真的很男人
(也许大男人没那么男人)
少了点风度
还是不承认
有时候错的并不知道错的不想借口只是直接一天说
有时候女孩没那么小孩
心里的无奈也需要点关怀
遗憾的遗留变成勉强了
怎么能重新再来

It's as though I don't know me anymore
Or maybe, I never did.

It's true. I just read this blog of someone and yes, when you think that things are gonna be fine, when you think that everything would work out if you had tried hard enough, you fall in to that stupid pithole and get slapped right in the face, hard. Then you wake up and realise, that everything's gone.

I always held my own view of them, even though I've heard rumours and stuff. I didn't judge her, nor did I judge him. But now, when I've heard from both, I begin to understand the things between. It falls in place, so neatly, like it was planned that way. But now I know, that she never wanted it to be that way. He never wanted it that way too, but she saw it herself. Both of them were so in love, until that day when she saw what she never wanted to see. I understand how much it hurts, I understand the pain that tortures your heart and the stinging feeling of the tears surging out of your eyes. And of course, I understand the disappointment. Reminds me of someone familiar. But the only difference is, she's happier now. But that familiar someone, is not.

I was taught to look even deeper the next time before I trust. Because you made me distrust and you made me weak. I admit my weakness. Before you, tears are my weakness. While I held back, did you know the pain that coursed through my veins? When I look at you now, do you know how much ache my heart experiences? She probably felt that way too. And we both had deluded ourselves; we had rather believe their lies. Cause at least then, they wouldn't be such idiots, breaking hearts time and again.

When you walked away from me, when you turned your back on me, when you hit my arm with force, when you shouted at me, when your eyes spoke of nothing but resentment, did you think of what would follow that? Did you think of the consequences of your actions? Your back view, never felt so strange and cold. Your eyes, never felt this distant and unfeeling. And your heart, never this heartless.

Because of you,
I'm such a loser.
Because of you,
I'm so feeble.
Because of you,
I lost everything.

it's as though you took a dagger and stabbed me in my heart.
not once but a million times.



[edit]
i think i really need a break from all these things.

Today's teacher's day wasn't too bad, considering... Nevermind. "Nice" decorated cake 4C (: I like the sprinkles though haha. I think we all really attracted a lot of attention with walking in our pyjamas' and even Mrs Phua looked at us and said 'Pyjamas?!' Lol. Ruixian and Zhuofei's singing very very very nice! So proud of them. Yay! RX and Fei jie JIAYOU <3 4C looks so cute with our pyjamas on, even Mrs Ong says so hahaha. Took pictures! Even took one with HAOYI. Didn't manage to take with ____ and ____. Don't bother guessing, you won't get it right. But yes, Haoyi was the only one I could get lol.

4 years being classmates with Haoyi has been like really great. I mean, although we don't talk much and we don't really know each other well, we've been in the same class for 4 years and we've done projects together all that stuff. He's really nice. He isn't THAT innocent, but at least, he isn't the same with the other guys. 4 years being classmates, I've really seen his changes from when he was sitting in front of me at the beginning of Sec1 till now, he's sitting in front of me again (: I don't know why I'm suddenly so reflective about this 4 years, especially after today. Oh well.

Hey look, buddy. Maybe you were just being a jackass two years back, but now we're both older, we both have changed. I know you're stressed out and I know you're afraid of misunderstandings again, but I assure you that there's none on my part. You already do know me well enough since when we were close from 3 years back, so now will you please stop being a jerk all over again and start being friendlier? I can't always be the one watching out for you.

I feel cheated.
Thanks to you.
Before you came along, I wasn't what you thought of me to be. Because of you, I changed time and time again, to someone even I myself dislike. When you stepped into my life, I didn't know things would take such a drastic turn and hurl a tornado and a hurricane in my direction. Yes, we were happy. Then you had to let it slip bit by bit with a stupid reason. I don't care what people say about me anymore, because it seems like they're describing a stranger anyway. When you let it slip out of your heart, did you think back and wonder whether what you're doing is right or wrong? No, you didn't. Because you used me. Like she said, used. I was just another toy in your hands. When you've gotten sick of playing with me, you throw me aside, never to cast a second glance at me. I'm just so disappointed in you, even more than she was with him.

if vows were true,
then why do they still make no difference?

why?

I realised that these days I'm becoming so vulgar. Yeah, it's so unlike me. Lydia of a term back would never have said that word out. And even though I've simmered down a lot from before, it doesn't mean that I can tolerate every single thing and laugh everything off. But still, I've learnt to accept things, I've learnt to be open and I've learnt to relax.

Stress is making itself comfortable on my shoulders and my brain all over again. It's become such a regular visitor, it doesn't even need too much invitation from Homework and School. Maybe it's just me inviting it to come myself, that I'm barely being able to breathe now. I'm just suffocating.

This is really scary. The speed at which people change really scares me so much that I still can't seem to get over the shock. Yes, it's been a term now, but it doesn't mean that I can get over something so major like it. It's like I'm standing at crossroads now, and I don't know which direction to take. Every road seems so scary, yet I know that behind these scariness, the beauty is there hidden and waiting for me discover. Yet, which is the path that I want to take? Holding on to believes and hopes or taking a risk? It's so tough a choice and I'm confused.

Perhaps all I want is to see that endless journey again. At least, with that road, there's hope and dreams and there's a goal that gives me the aim and motivation to work towards to. But now, all I see in front of me is just the upcoming End-of-Years and the coming Vienna competition. I'm just kept to myself all over again. Yes, Ada, I agree that forcing a smile or laugh out everyday is really tough. Staying strong for now, but not for too long.

The cold shoulder that you give me, the cold glances, the hurtful words hurled towards me, the lies you spat, the betrayal. I'm not non-existant. I'm a human and I have feelings too. I wonder why I put in so much to you when for 2 straight months all I got were lies. I wonder why I had to deceive myself in telling myself that I could get it back. Things change, people change. You're really a totally entirely different person. It's not just me, but many others who say so. No, I don't hate you. I don't blame you, but there are some things that are unforgiveable.

My pride, my honour, my dignity.
Gone.

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

(Chorus)

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

(Chorus x2)

Well,
I'm going to Vienna!
Thank you Trish (:

i've proven to myself that i'm not a fickle person;
i am consistent and very loyal.

i've proven you wrong


After all this while, life still sucks back here. I'm even surprised I survived this stupid term. So many big events bombarding my life and affecting me physically and emotionally that I thought I wouldn't last till even Week 5. But now, it's already the end of Week 9. I can't believe how I survived the 9 weeks and the days after 27 July.

I'm not what my character type says me to be - fickle minded. I'm not. Because I've proven to myself and others that I stay loyal. I've proven a lot of people wrong about me. I'm just very unpredictable - I'm not what you see me to be. But yet at times, very predictable. Only those who understand me will really understand what I mean here.

"you don't have to remember how to smile"
I wish. I wish everything in life could be taken with a pinch of salt. Maybe it can be, because it really depends on one self. But yet, it does bug us emotionally. As I think back, there are regrets, there's joy, there's love, there's tears. What's over, may already be in the past, but what is present is what the past brought for us. The past dictates the present, and the present, the future. I know I can't turn time back, I can't go back to the beginning of last year, when everything was still innocent and plain. I rather a plain life, than the complex one I have now. I need an escape from all these. Who says smiling and laughing in front of you means I'm feeling really happy and joyful inside?


Thank you Trish, Kennard, Chun Long, Jing Qi, Terence and all the rest out there whom have spurred me on till today.
Of course, my sister-in-law, my brother, my mummy and daddy for not giving up on me despite every single stupid and horrible thing I've done. For not scolding me, but knocking sense into me instead. For being by my side when I was at my lowest point. For listening to my rants and putting up with my tearful face. For being patient with an almost walking-zombie me. And Ynja, for being the wonderful baby niece that never fails to make me smile when she does. I love you all <3


i want to escape;

they were just empty

I never thought I'd feel this way. It gets worse by the day with lesser distractions and all that I can do is try to study when it really is so tough. I try, I really do try, but there's a limit to me. That's all I can say. Nothing much more. I've been so exhausted, so tired and so stressed up. Things that shouldn't be occurring are just happening.

You know how bad your works are. You should know. And I really wonder why I put in all those to get you something you didn't deserve, something better than what I got. Mine had suffered for completion of yours. Bet you never knew huh? I never went for recognition, but I feel horrible now. Harming you, not helping.

I don't remember how to smile sincerely.
Blame it on me for thinking it was real.
Blame it on me for believing.
Blame it on me for falling in.

all along i was just an experiment

vows are nothing,
and so are promises

Chun Long's left. I'm sure we all already miss him a lot. Best friends for a lifetime and nothing else can set us back and make those stupid mistakes we made about 6 months or more back. No, it's nothing bad, but bad enough to have made this past week never happen. Probably we never saw the gold in this friendship that we had done those things, so hurtful and full of contempt. At least, it's over now, and we both have new worries. It's amazing how when we talk to each other, everything seems lighter than it actually is.

I've never felt so lighthearted when visiting Gemma (2G'08). Somehow, they really bring the joy in me, not much, but at least better than none. That little corner there reminds me of 3C'07 where many great things happened, where memories so tightly and happily held. The smiles on all of the juniors' faces is really priceless. At least with them, I don't feel as pressurized. I never used to be this way, but circumstances changed and people changed, I can't control my emotions as well.

Yet, I'm still the same. I still don't show it. They can't tell because all they see is what I wear and not what is real. Changed, but not so. I still am what those closer to me know how I am. Totally feeble and weak. Still crumbling deeper and deeper. And I have only myself to blame for not listening to someone's advice to not sink deeper into the abyss for it would be hard to get out of it. Now that I finally understand, it's all too late. The smiles have all turned to tears. The laughter have all turned to sobs. The energy has all turned lifeless. All these changes for something small.

i'm only a piece of tissue; one you discard after use

I tried. I know they're having problems too. Maybe I'm thinking too much myself that I'm still stuck here, I can't get out. It's a complete maze in total darkness and I seem to always take the wrong turn. I wish I wasn't this way. All this while, only just one friend could read my mind. All the encouragement and stuff, I really do appreciate. Only that when you're not here, everything crumbles to where it started.

Discarded and unwanted.
Like how everything was just nothing.
No more hopes, no more dreams no more happiness.

Maybe one day I'll find my way out. Maybe.

don't blog about tomorrow.
tomorrow never comes

Tomorrow will just be another day.

Yesterday was FANTABULOUS. Geog test pwned me, but it's over, so I shan't go think too much about it, lest it gives me a worse headache than the one I already experience daily. Bananas in Pyjamas of 4C'08! I'm sure we'll all look utterly funny in pyjamas.

Met Chun Long and Min Jie in the canteen and that Min Jie went for maths. Teck Huat came along, we ate then we went to play ball! I vball-ed with choir for awhile before joining Teck Huat and Chun Long. Bball in courtesy of Yuan Hao! Min Jie came too, FINALLY. Actually we didn't really play. Only awhile later we didn't know whether to join 4C guys or not, which in the end we decided not to and we joined Clinton and 2 year2 bball girls instead. I didn't play, but Jie Zhi did o_o

Went to visit choir for awhile. We didn't mean to stay, but don't know why we ended up staying for the whole thing. Choir is... disappointing, I have to say. I shan't elaborate too much here. But yeah, choir please don't do that again, it's really very very hurting. Get yourselves together. It isn't easy on Zixuan or Jane.

Took train with the year3s who were playing some odd game that Zixuan came up with. Haha. They're really lively. And of course, Chun Long's Monday to Sunday (: Poor Min Jie and the day that called back! Haha! Trish couldn't make it in the end so only Min Jie, Teck Huat, Chun Long, Kasey (who decided to join us! yay!) and me went for dinner. Made a trip to Chun Long's hotel room first. GOSH HIS HOTEL ROOM'S VIEW IS DAMN NICE! AHHH. That stupid boy went to bathe so we waited for him and when he came out, Teck Huat and Min Jie thrashed him with pillows! HAHA. See lah, want kachio me then in the end dirty your own bed tsktsk.

Dinner at NYDC at Suntec! Haha, great food (: E=mc^2 took a life from me, rawr. We played games and all. It's the circle of trust! There were times when we were all shocked and stunned and of course, there were times when we laughed so hysterically, we were on the verge of rolling on the floor already. Reached home quite late though, and thanks Chun Long for sending me home =D

I really enjoyed the time out with them, especially after choir. All of us were so relaxed, happy and playful. Teck Huat was so unlike the usual him that we see. They really made me laugh so much, I felt like I've never laughed this hard in my life, especially Teck Huat. Thanks alot! Kasey and I were laughing over this stupid thing that Min Jie did to Chun Long and all the coincidental things that happened after that when we stepped into Suntec hahaha.

Somehow, I feel as though Chun Long's the one binding all of us together. Teck Huat, Min Jie and I were never this close. Kennard and I as well. The juniors and us seniors were relatively closer. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I really feel the sense of belonging. We should really go out more often, even if Chun Long's not here in Singapore. But then again, if it wasn't for him, would the guys come out with us? I don't know. But I know we'll all miss him when he isn't here again.

Time passes so quickly. Just too quickly.
Too many things settling in on me that I really can't breathe. And who will offer that hand to me to pull me out of this suffocating quicksand? Who will be the one to offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear?

Will it be you, my best friend?
Or someone else?
Or no one at all?

This is NOT supposed to be an emo post! Ahh, can't help it.
I'll end the post with a message to two friends -

Chun Long: Thanks for always being around when I needed someone to talk to. Although times were bad for us, for you or for me, you had always been there to give me advice and to cheer me up. You've never despised me and you've always trusted me, no matter what the circumstances were. You were always there, to support me and encourage me. I'll really miss you ): all over again.

Si Tong: Cheer up, you've still got me remember? Studies isn't everything. Just do your best and that's all. And your other problems, I know it's tough to face them or try to change the situation, but try to. I'm here if you need me (:

I've been experiencing too much this whole year that I don't know what to feel. People walk in and out of your life. How you want to face these things and how you perceive them is really up to yourself. No one can help you, no one at all. No matter how hard I try to, I still can't get past myself, I still can't get over a lot of things. Not just that most obvious one, but many others as well. Been trying hard to brace myself up to these things, to try and face them bravely and to tell myself that I'm not as weak as I used to be. But I know I'm just deluding myself. I'm just finding excuses for myself to feel better when I'm really hurting hard inside. It doesn't feel as painful when I accidentally knock myself on the wall or whatever anymore, because no amount of physical pain can amount to the pain I'm going through emotionally.

Yes, I know I have been worrying a lot of people, I have been a pain in the neck, but I'm just the type that can't help my emotions. Yes, I'm sorry I'm this way. People change, and so have I. I'm not the girl you used to know. No more that girl. Just like someone, I don't regret the things I have done, but rather, disappointed in changes. Change, is really scary. It can rip away all of your life's happiness in just one instant and there goes your happiness, all fallen into an unknown pit, where the sky starts to turn all black and all the gloom falls in. Here I am, typing away, with my mind on so many things at once. Too many things, too little time. Too much tears, too little chances.


Thank you, to you and you and you and you and many many more.

After everything, why do I still defend you?

Today was really fun. Thanks you two, I've never laughed like this for such a long time already.

The bball thing at the arcade was just so familiar. Only its a different arcade and different people. But oh well, KENNARD CHNG IS DAMN IMBA. Your two handed thing. Big hands good lah, pro lah. Chun Long and I also not that bad lor. But oh well, still not as pro.

Went to watch Love Guru. It's not as sick as Zohan though NC 16. The two of them ar, damn gay lah. One can laugh till sink down in his seat, the other so absorbed until he almost forgot his chocs.

Okay, I shan't elaborate too much. Great day, thanks guys!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TECKHUAT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE

Welcome back to Singapore, Chun Long! :D

School was rather fine I suppose. After school went to pay a short little visit to 2G which ended up in quite a long visit, because Mr Yeo came in and he taught me Integration - Kinematics. And yes, Wen Xin is REALLY back. I was still wondering if I was seeing things when I saw her around. Taught her maths too. And I found out that the year 2s streaming subject combi need take 2 humanities o_o there's even integrated lit besides LA. Poor things!

Did maths till Chun Long called, then went to meet Chun Long. Happened to meet Xingqi on the way haha, so we took the MRT together. Eh, I really never hear any Xingqi rumours before. I was asking Trish and she said she never heard his rumours before too! See, Xingqi, I'm not out-tuned. Lol. But he's a really nice guy for fanning me in the super hot LT1. Thanks Mr LOY =D

Chun Long really looks so different everytime he comes back to visit. This time he really looked weird. His hairstyle lah ._. Hmm, we walked to Suntec to meet Trish who was there with her girls doing jy's present (: While waiting for her, Chun Long and I walked around to find *ahem* present. Couldn't find anything nice, but at least we know what we wanna get already! Later when we went back, Trish was done too, so the 3 of us walked around, aimlessly. Chocs! xD

Trish and I went home together. We talked, yupp. We're really very crazy when the both of us come together. It's one of those sure-laugh situations. But yeah, we're always there for each other, girl (:

Quote of the day: "Hello, darling ar"
-laughs- nope, and this is an inside joke :D

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MY THINGS SO STOP BEING SO CHEAP AND IMMATURE BY DELETING MY PERSONAL THINGS, YOU IDIOT.
IF YOU DID IT YOU BETTER ADMIT IT AND NOT HIDE AWAY LIKE A COWARD.